you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Randomize
