Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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