My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
