Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
