i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
Is This New Dating App Elitist…Or Genius?
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.