Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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