I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
