I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Randomize
