Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
