Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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