Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
