I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
