I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
it's not cheating when I paid for it
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
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