My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
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