you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Randomize
