Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
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