dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Randomize
