he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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