her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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