It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
