Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
