So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
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