Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Randomize
