Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
My Sexting was not on an AP level
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
