I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
Randomize
