The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
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