I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
