then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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