I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
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when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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