i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
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