Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
