Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I think a kid would responsible me up
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Randomize
