My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
