Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Randomize
