I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
I hope mine doesn't look like that
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Randomize
