just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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