Just fell off a train. Bad.
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
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