I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
