My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Randomize
