I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
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