so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
The Internet Is Obsessed With This Stripper Who Dropped It Low Just To Eat A Slice Of Pizza
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom