I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
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Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
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i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now