She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
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I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
These 25 Normal Couples Tried Porn Moves During Sex And It Ended Horribly
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep