She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
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Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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