It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me