I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
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