there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
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"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
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Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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