Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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