my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
