why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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