Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
