it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
