im six kinds of drunk right now
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
