Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?
Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.
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Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
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We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
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