i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
