I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
