Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
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