I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
