there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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