I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Green mimosas i think yes
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Randomize
