Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Randomize
