My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
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