I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
chicago's viagra triangle is not unlike the bermuda triangle in thatt things just get lost...... planes, ships, dignity, virginity, etc.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
She tied me up with her honor cords...
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Randomize
