when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
