I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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