I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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